This was from last week, I just hadn’t had the chance to type it up. Sorry I deleted my post a few weeks ago, I just decided it was too personal and not private enough.
I decided to make a voice memo so I could just talk more freely without putting too much thought into it,
So here is most of it typed up, I cut some out because the obsessive side of my OCD was showing a bit and I have to keep that in check.
So it has really been like 6 months since I actually made a post.
I’ve got a lot to say, I’m feeling kinda low. The guy I’ve been trying to be friends with in my first class has suddenly ceased to talk to me or even sit next to me anymore. I dont know why that is, yeah I look at him sometimes, but it’s not like I stare. It’s really hard to stare at someone sitting next to you..but what did I do all of a sudden for him to stop talking to me? I mean we had been talking and joking in class and I was really thinking we could be friends. But all of a sudden, nope.
I’m just trying to think about why is it that nobody wants to get close to me? Even in my own little group of friends here at school with three other people, I notice that I’m the least popular one and the one people don’t really want to talk to. I don’t know if I’m too obnoxious, am I too crass? I dont know what I’m doing wrong. I just keep finding myself more and more self conscious of how loud I am, how much I talk, what I say.. And it’s not everybody. You know? It’s only with people I find myself wanting to be friends with and its only with people I find attractive. I mean, with most people I really dont give a shit what they think. I dont know. Maybe I should change myself, maybe I should become less obnoxious, quieter. Maybe I should be more feminine, maybe I should paint my nails and not eat so much or lose weight, which I know I need to do.
Why do I keep finding myself in need of male attention when I have a boyfriend who I’ve been with for five years, and who is my best friend. Even with the male friends I do have, I feel really lonely right now because they both have girlfriends so I dont really have anyone to flirt with. I don’t know if I like flirting or if I like it when someone other than my boyfriend is attracted to me?
I’m just really down, what about keeps people from getting close to me, what about me keeps me from making relationships and having friends? With this guy, I like the fact that I can really see that he does care about social issues, and that’s the kind of person I want to be friends with. My guy friends I have now, I love them and all but they’re not the kind of people that I want to associate with for the rest of my life. One is very very kinda rude, and unaccepting of different things, I don’t know,its just like none of my friends have the same values that I have, none of them care about the same issues or have the same views on things that I do. It kinda sucks., How nice would it be to be friends with people who care about the same things as me? I mean, there’s only like 50 people in our major, I could be making lifelong friends, but I’m just not. The girl I’m friends with seems to like me, but she has plenty of other friends. It’s like everybody I meet already has these relationships and friendships and they’re in a bubble and here I am without a bubble without any friendships, or any meaningful friendships. I want to create a bubble but how can i create a bubble when everyone already has one?
Anyway, yesterday was my former best friend’s birthday. It’s not like we’re friends on Facebook anymore or anything but I just remember, I think its one of those things you remember for the rest of your life- important peoples’ birthdays. I still know most of my exes birthdays.. anyway, I texted her and told her happy birthday..No response, not even a thank you, nothing. Now I’m wondering if maybe she thought I was a toxic friend and that’s why she cut me out, I don’t remember being a bad friend to her, I know when I’m being negative. I know what behaviors are toxic and I can recognize them, especially in hindsight but all I can remember with her is being best friends. The only thing i ever talked to about that could have been negative was that she was dating an asshole, that’s something that I felt I had to speak out about because he did not treat her well. But was that all it was that made her cut me out? I miss her everyday, I think about her everyday, she was probably the best friend I ever had, for about 8 years, and she’s gone. I miss her, I miss her family, I miss everything.
It’s like the perfect friend doesn’t exist for me. I’m too weird or I’m too quiet or I’m too ugly, its like there’s nobody out there for me. I know people have soulmates, people they stay friends with forever, but I just dont have that. Maybe I need to evaluate myself and see what else I’m doing wrong.. sometimes I talk too much or I talk too loudly and I know that, but what else am I doing that pushes people away? I used to think it because of my confidence and now that I’m more confident(on the outside), I’m more alone than ever.
Earlier we were working on a group project and my three other group mates( the circle I’m trying to be friends with) we were doing something and those three just walked away when I was looking at something, they didn’t even notice I wasn’t with them anymore. They completely left the building, and there I was, just left behind.. and that’s how I feel every day.