Hi, I apologize for not having written much lately. Just a lot going on, but here is my most recent one I wrote on Saturday but forgot to post.
Sitting here in a hotel room. Seven of my friends are in the room across the hall having a grand old time while I sit here and think about going outside and slitting my wrists in the rain.
I asked my friend to grab my phone charger for me a few minutes ago. My phone charger was next to my medicine bottles. I wonder if she looked at them. Saw how many different substances and chemicals it takes to keep me functioning.
I’m not embarrassed. Why should I be? I am who I am, and I was born not.. whole. I was born missing pieces and parts of me that would’ve made me “normal” and that’s okay… That’s okay.
. . . . . .
I’m reading “It” by Stephen King right now. I know it’s a classic, but I tend to shy away from books that will send my thoughts spiraling down into dark crevices. I never had any desire to read it until a few years ago. I saw a movie and I can’t remember the title of it, or the actors, or even what it was really about. The only thing I remember is that the main character is a teenage boy and his favorite book is “It.” He talks about how it helped him face his worst fears and how life changing it was. Even though it was just lines in a script, after hearing that, I felt like it was mandatory reading.. and I’m just now getting around to it. I always knew Stephen King was talented but I honestly never read much of his stuff…but damn it’s good. It’s so honest. The characters aren’t heroes. They’re not even likable. I never thought I’d one day read a book where I wouldn’t even be able to pinpoint a favorite character, but I can’t. (At least not yet, and I’m 200 pages in.) The thing that keeps you reading is just how relatable the characters are. They’re just so human. And not the supposed “good” side of human either. This book shows the darker side that everyone knows is there but is too scared to talk about. The dark and disturbing thoughts that lurk in everyone’s mind at some point or another.
One part early on in the book has been making me think for the past few days. How we spend years and years building a life. Building good credit. Building a good reputation. Building friendships and relationships. Building a career..
But no matter how long we spend building our lives.. it can all fall apart in a matter of seconds. Why is that? How can things that we spent so long making dissolve in an instant? It makes me wonder if we’re wasting all our time on the wrong things..But I guess there really isn’t anything else to spend our time on..