I dont know why I keep doing this to myself, taking care of others before taking care of myself. I’m so fucking depressed. I’m not interested in reading, or writing, or friends. I just want to sit at home and scroll endlessly through my social media feeds, or sleep all day.
I’m scared I’m going to get really bad again. I’m scared I’m going to start sleeping through my classes because I just don’t give a shit. I can’t get further behind in school, I just cant.
Sometimes I feel like I’m a being from another universe that got trapped in a human body. It would explain why I’ve always felt so out of place in this world.
I don’t know what the point of anything is. Go to school, get a job and work until I die? Don’t get me wrong, I’m going to school for a job that I really truly want to do, but I don’t know when I’m ever going to have time or money to just travel the world, or enjoy life.
. . .
When was the last time any of my friends or family asked if I’m okay? I’m fine when I’m at work because I keep busy, but when I’m at home and alone, I’m not okay. I don’t even feel alive. I feel like I’m walking through life half-dead. I don’t want to feel this way. I want to sing in the shower and run around in the rain. I want to be able to laugh when my friends make jokes. I want to be able to relate to people when they say they’re having a bad day because they spilled their coffee or got a flat tire. But I can’t. I’m on a cocktail of antidepressants and they work for the most part. Maybe they’re just not working like they used to. I’m scared to try different ones. I don’t want to be a guinea pig in a science experiment like I was in high school, where I tried medication after medication. . . A big side effect of most antidepressants is the possibility of suicidal thoughts/depression worsening. I can’t risk that right now. I’m too weak right now to resist if those thoughts were to creep in again. Im tired of fighting against myself like I have for the last 10 years.
I’m just tired.