After I left private school, which I attended since from kindergarten until graduation, I promised that I’d be myself and that I wouldn’t let people walk all over me anymore, and more or less since then, I haven’t. I haven’t been afraid to speak out when I felt that I’ve been wronged and that’s cost me a lot of friendships in the past five years, but it’s also been liberating.
However, it has also been getting harder, little by little, every single day, to continue speaking out when I’m being wronged. I’m tired of having to fight to be heard.
My trust has been misplaced even with the very few people who had it to begin with.
The simple fact of the matter now is that I dont have any friends. I have people I can hang out with and have fun with, but no one I can go to when things get hard. I’ve been going through a lot of fucking shit lately, and I’ve been open about it because I’ve been hoping that the people in my life would be there and show me they care. Not one has. I get that some of what I have been posting on Facebook could be considered “fishing” for sympathy, but that’s not what I want. Is it so wrong for me to just desperately want ONE of my so-called friends to ask me if I’m okay? Or to ask me how my dad’s doing? Or even just message me just to talk because they see I need a friend? Im there for them. I help them if they need help. I buy them Christmas presents. I remember their birthdays. I do everything a good friend should do, but not one is willing to return the favor.
I’m starting to wonder if it’s something I’m doing. It has to be my fault that this is happening. It has to be my fault that I don’t have anyone. The thing is, I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. Dylan, my boyfriend, says the problem is that I dont reach out to them. But I do. Not all the time, but enough.
It hurts. I consider my social group pretty aware and accepting of people with mental illness. They know what I’m struggling with but its like no one wants to take on the burden. I don’t want someone to reach out to me so I can rant and cry and complain about my life. I just want to know someone cares.
I’m also starting to feel like a burden on Dylan. He’s always at home, dealing with my depression and irritability. I feel like I’m pulling him down and keeping him from happiness and living his life. Being the only one I can talk to and rely on is a lot of pressure on him. What if he wanted to break up with me? He would probably feel like he couldn’t because he knows how much of a downward spiral I’ll go in. I don’t want him to feel trapped. I start school again in a little over a month at a big university. I’m terrified of meeting new people, but I hope maybe I’ll find someone that’s actually worth my time and friendship .
(I know I need to find a counselor, but I don’t have health insurance at the moment, and even when I do, its usually 95 dollars a visit after insurance.)
Tell me what I’m doing wrong. Tell me what I did to deserve this. I am empathetic. I’m reliable. I’m honest. I’m kind. I’ve been actively trying to be a good person. I try not to judge others. I am thankful for what I have. I work hard for things. What is it about me that makes it so that no one wants to be around me? Sometimes I wish I could see myself through other people’s eyes so I could know how I come across. Am I too loud? Too quiet? Too annoying? Too whiny? I just want to know.
It’s funny because just the other day I was thinking about all my good qualities, and here I am now.. wondering what flaw I have that’s so terrible that it overshadows everything that’s good about me.
Current song in my head: Done All Wrong by the Black Rebel Motorcycle Club