l shouldn’t have met your eyes. I gave zero shits about you. Zero shits when I ran into you at the cookout. As I said, you looked and talked different. You weren’t as attractive as I remembered you. I felt no pull towards you, no desire.. Until I met your fucking eyes. It all came rushing back. Every feeling, every word, every memory. I had like 6 dreams about you last night. One nights worth of dreams was all it took for me to realize the fact that I still have feelings for you. I don’t know what kind of feelings. I love you, but I don’t know if it’s romantically or what.
Just gonna pause for a second here to make it clear that just because I still have feelings for JD doesn’t mean I’m even thinking about leaving Dylan because I love him too. I’m not thinking about leaving him, I want to be with him. I’m just exploring my thoughts and feelings.
Anyway, I find myself thinking about all the times in my relationship with Dylan where I wondered if he was truly right for me. All the times where something between us has just felt wrong, though I couldn’t place my finger on what it was. I’ve never been able to 100% trust him. I never had a second thought in my trust in JD. Is it possible that it’s because he really is my soulmate? Will I have feelings for him forever?
Or am I only missing him because we have history? I miss my past sometimes. Things were simpler when I met him. I still had friends. I still had my best friend. I still hadn’t discovered the true extent of my depression.
I just spent like five minutes scrolling through Facebook, trying to find the picture I posted of him wearing my pink Hollister shirt on the day I first met him. I want to know a day, but at least I figured out the year. 2009. Crap, maybe it was 2010. I’ll investigate more later, but the point is, it’s been 8 or 9 years since I first met him. That’s such a big chunk of my life. More than a third of my life I’ve known him. More than a third of my life has been spent loving him. I say it was on and off, but I doubt the feelings ever truly went away. They were just buried.
Still don’t know what these feelings mean. I don’t want to be with him. At least I don’t think so.